Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.