Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
*seductively corrects your posture*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform