as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
ME: which could also be a weakness…