Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
You Might Also Like
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel