I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
You Might Also Like
There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.
Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.
Her: So you have no bad habits?
Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[invention of burgers]
visionary: what if we grated a cow?
assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.