Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do


Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.


ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?


I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.


[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good


Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.


*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.


HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister


INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument


ME: which could also be a weakness…