Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.


There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.


KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears


[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]


Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.


Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.


[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius