@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

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@nickmullen

i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

@Parkerlawyer

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

@captainkalvis

Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@blondecalamity

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.