i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”
“Brick, that’s your shadow.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral
Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.