me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
A woman drives into a bar.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”