“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do?
me: I give out free drugs
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.