@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

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@david8hughes

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@wendchymes

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@liv_thatsme

Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.

@gradeaclown

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do?

me: I give out free drugs

@Dani_Feld

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.