Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?