Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.


I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.


date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst


the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road


I know you seen me continuously push the “close doors” button while you ran to the elevator. Now it’s just awkward


Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework


It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.


*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”