Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I bet
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero