ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
You Might Also Like
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.