ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx