ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?