me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.