Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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