Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Me: i wish for $20 then
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair