@fro_vo

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

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@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

@WVUPRT

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

@juliothesquare

The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.

@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@bourgeoisalien

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair