“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*