@dshack8

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

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@joshxhowie

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

@Bluestmoon_

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.

@NOTVIKING

god: we need some ideas for sharks

angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks

god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?

angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark

god: dammit does anyone have anything original

angel that hates nails: i have an idea

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@SatansTongue

*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long

@JasonLastname

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@criedwolves

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer