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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.