me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.