When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”