Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
it must be school picture day
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,