me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Mountain Goat : )
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.