Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Covid like
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If only
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.