@abuya_henry

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

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@aisha_aaron

Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house

@68Cly29

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

@sugarboyfly

Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@LFdiepretty

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

@TheDjinnTrials

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.