Can’t wait to tell my kids how I survived almost 3 months without seeing my friends so they won’t die if they don’t go for a sleepover at Angie’s house
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
Me : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Pants are for people with something to hide.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.