Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
mumsnet is amazing
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*