I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
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My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”
dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.