@daemonic3

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

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@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@bombsydoll

dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.

@DonKinderknecht

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. ūüôĀ

@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

@CodyJP9412

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@yonewt

To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.