Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You Might Also Like
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Me: we are in Spain
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.