ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

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Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain


Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.


“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.


Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”


Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.