ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
hmmm
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Bobby pin
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.