Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?