If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
I’m in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.
I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.
This is my sewer side note.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
You like me?
*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.
*never hears from you again.
Right then. That’s sorted.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????