Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.