@Loli_Sug

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

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@beefman138

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@LizHackett

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@better_off_dad

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?