Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

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If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.


Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.


The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”


I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.


I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom


You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.


I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.


WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat


[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????