me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Lol #dogsoftwitter
an octopus is just a wet spider
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.