Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Twitter fine art
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib