Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
#catsoftwitter
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.