Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.