@Lakeoconeebldr
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
@okimstillhungry
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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@Lakeoconeebldr
@ItMightBeJim
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
@theshantilly
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
@Thynebear
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
@U_Want_Shum_M8
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
@TheAndrewNadeau
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
@dafloydsta
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
@TheMichaelRock
Me: you like that? *takes out trash*
Wife: ooooh
Me *starts vacuuming the living room*
Wife: oh my god, don’t stop
@LBelle1
My purse is deeper than some people.
@KimmyMonte
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}