@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

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@SteveSuckington

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

@TheCatWhisprer

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@cakemittens

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@noitsgary

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum