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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum