Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.