Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I am having an out of money experience.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!