Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Kermit goes Blue.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap