Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Worth remembering.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please