I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this