@not_delicate

Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice

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@UncleDuke1969

*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*

*fails*

*waits for lawyer in windowless room*

@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

@markleidner

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@RaxKingIsDead

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy