ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: Can you please move? I have no space
My husband: Where? There’s literally no room
Me: I hear Canada is nice
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
First meeting working remotely.
My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken
What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters