Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You Might Also Like
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
choose your fighter
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.