ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks