me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft