@R_2_PEE_2

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

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@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@ibid78

[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on

@neiltyson

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

@TheBoydP

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@_Water_Baby

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.