me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice


[internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here’s a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on


Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”


“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew


[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?


The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.


The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.