“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You Might Also Like
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Succinctly put.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.