Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son