Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

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[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check


Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
M: Bowling. Chill.


Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.


If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m


Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.


It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing


1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No