@perfect_messs
Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.
Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.
@e4moji
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
@Brampersandon_
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
@imence2
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
@BigRadMachine
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
@btiici
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
@JanineEB4
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
@RafflesWord
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
@pilau
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
@ShortSleeveSuit
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
@JohnLyonTweets
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake