@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

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@CruisinSoozan

Your Emotional Support Canadian is reading other tweets but your tweet is important to them. We are receiving a higher volume of tweets than normal. Please stay online and your tweet will be read in priority sequence.

@ninjadinosaur1

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@Ygrene

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.