@CruisinSoozan
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@perfect_messs
Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.
Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.
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@CruisinSoozan
@ninjadinosaur1
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
@sofarrsogud
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
@Ygrene
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
@thequeensheart
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
@gramnoc
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
@VolatileVani
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.
@mommajessiec
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
@timdonakowski
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
@mintchevette
Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.