@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

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@e4moji

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

@Brampersandon_

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@BigRadMachine

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

@JanineEB4

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@pilau

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

@ShortSleeveSuit

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake