@KyleMcDowell86

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

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@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

@zgbetty

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.