ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
What the dentist sees
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
So that’s what we looked like?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.