**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
You Might Also Like
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
it be like that
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think