Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
This is me 🤣🤣
Never be a pizza!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.