@Darlainky

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

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@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

@Kendragarden

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

@BikiniBabeLover

“PIZZA” IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM…

P – PLEASUREFUL
I – INTERESTING
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
A – “AGG”-CELLENT

@WilliamAder

Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

@_Tempo11

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

@Angibangie

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

@8goingon80

Wife: “Happiness doesn’t come in boxes”

Me: *whispers to Cheez-Its “We leave at sundown.”