I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste