@OfficialPLT

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

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@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@CheetoBandito77

This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.

@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@DoreyZoe

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

@davidgrossTV

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

@BlotterMonkey

Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”