Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.