@OfficialPLT

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

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@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@Freudianscript

If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

@PajamaStew

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

@highwaytohelv

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@PaperWash

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

@_wendyb07

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.