I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”
And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”