Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.