@a_simpl_man

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

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@Parkerlawyer

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@ShellHasDragons

Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?

Coworker….

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA

@Reverend_Scott

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.

@Gooooats

Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”

@NewDadNotes

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.