*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?