@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

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@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@Marlebean

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

@FunnyTunes

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

@70Ceeks

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

@DanMentos

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

@SteveKoehler22

Fashion Facts –

Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing

Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf

@bridger_w

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens