[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago